My "Good Fight" For Today...Against Shame

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The shame comes in waves.

It hasn't been this bad in years.

I'm endlessly re-living, constantly cringing at the memory of yesterday's Stupid Moment.

I literally feel my stomach knot up, every few seconds, as the memory assaults me again.  Often a little grunt or whispered word of distress escapes me.

And, underneath it all, there's the rage.

I can NOT be that stupid!

Well, yes...yes I can.  And, in fact, I was.

But I'm not willing to be.  I can't bear to be.  And on days like today, that means I can't bear to be me.

I used to get haunted by shame all the time, but by the grace of God, it's not nearly so frequent now.  But yesterday's Dumb Moment (which also turned out to be an Expensive Moment) was made worse because it was a semi-public event. (As in, I believe I was probably the laughingstock of the police department's locker room at the end of the day.)

Don't ask.  Just don't.

Coming home last night to face the usual nighttime routine (and the usual nighttime chaos!) of family was hard.  As you know if you've been reading this blog for a while, I'm an escapist by nature.  And all I wanted to do last evening was curl up in a ball in bed.

But God has been working, and I could feel something new inside of me.  A new strength that did not originate with me, but came as a gift of faith.  And again today, when the shame waves started crashing over me, I felt the Holy Spirit coming alongside me, bringing the truths of Scripture to mind from a whole new angle (for me, anyway).

I'm actually kind-of excited about this.

It's funny...yesterday morning, when I wrote the blog entry that I posted this morning, my Big Embarrassing Event hadn't happened yet.  And, when I wrote that post, I really didn't think it had any bearing on my life at the moment.  It was just a thought that had popped out at me from my scheduled reading in Joshua.  But after my Stupid Moment, when I became terrified by the memory of How Dumb I Can Be, I began to hear my own words coming back to remind me that I don't need to be afraid to relive what happened.  And I may even come out of this painful time with some brand new memorial stones to set up.

Isn't God good?

So, what does my "good fight of faith" look like today, when I'm fighting shame?

First of all, let me tell you what it's not.  It's not a fight to improve my self-esteem.

Instead, it's a fight to align myself with the greatest truths of the Christian faith, so I can live in the freedom of the truth (see John 8:32).  That's why it's called "the good fight of faith" (1 Tim 6:11-12).  We're to fight to increase our faith in God, not in ourselves.  It's the fight to walk in the light when the enemy (and our own egos) tell us to run or to arm for war against some human foe.

So, what truths am I loading into my arsenal?

How about this one?  "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven."  That means that I mustn't arrogantly insist that I BE something awesome (instead of being someone capable of really bone-headed moves).  I am to be at peace with my own humanity, NOT because sin and failure are no big deal, but because those things have been bought and paid for by my Savior in whom I have placed my faith.  And so I pray, "Thank You, Lord, that You are teaching me to live humbly with the reality of my shortcomings.  Thank you that the Kingdom is promised to those who are poor in spirit.  Help me to value poverty of spirit, to value humble acceptance of my shortcomings, to value Your kingdom more than my own imagined greatness."

And how about this?  "For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.  When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory" (Col 3:3-4).  This speaks to the fact that, as a believer, I was crucified with Christ and raised with Him to a new life.  My life is hidden in God...and that means I can't see it yet.  But I must fight the temptation to find my life in other people's esteem.  My life is not hidden in their approval.  It's hidden with Christ in God.  "Thank You, Lord, that my life is hidden in You, and that I need no longer torture myself with what man thinks of me.  Help me to find my life in You more and more."

Or how about "Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say, rejoice!" (Php 4:4).  I am not cruelly called to rejoice in my stupidity, but I am reminded that the Lord is in Heaven, reigning gloriously for the good of all His people (including me).  He knew in advance what I was going to do, and planned to make it work for my good (Rom 8:28).  So I pray, "Lord, help me to rejoice in all that You are for me, rather than raging over what I am not."

The "good fight" also looks like simply staying present when I want to run and hide, not just so I can "be strong" (there's that desire to be awesome again), but because God has promised to make me stand, and because He has work for me to do.

It means remembering (and praying) to be increasingly patient with other flawed people, when their flaws impact me. For we who have been forgiven much are to love much (Luke 7:47), and are to forgive others in return (Matt 18:21-34).


Do you know what began happening last night as I lay in bed and fought the shame with truth?  I began to feel a wonderful feeling of freedom from the fear of man, a fear which Scripture warns us against. It came back with a vengeance this morning, but that just means it's time to fight again.

"For theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven."  I want that.  I do.  It will be worth the fight!

The World Says I Need Self-Esteem...

(Part 1 of a Series)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

I just had a rather ordinary (for me) occurrence...an embarrassing memory from almost 15 years ago came back to haunt me. It wasn't anything major. I had tried a recipe at a church supper, and it didn't turn out well at all. But the memory just now popped up, and I felt some of the shame of it all over again.

Now, if you know the difference between embarrassment and shame, you'll remind me that I shouldn't feel shame at all about something like that. Shame is the feeling of painful awareness of sin (whether you call it by that name or not). For non-moral failures, I might understandably feel embarrassed, but I don't deserve to feel shame.

I do feel it, though. I feel it whenever anyone says anything negative about me or my efforts (especially my writing). I feel it even when the criticism is constructive, unless its offered very gently and obliquely. It's still hard for me to separate failure (or poor performance) in a task from failure as a whole person.

At this point, the world would be telling me that I need more self-esteem. But is that what God says I need?

For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends (2Co 10:18).

That verse tells me that it doesn't matter what I think of myself. It matters what the Lord thinks of me. Want a few more? Just listen to the "healthy self-esteem" in these verses...and what God thinks about it.

So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth. Because you say, 'I am rich, have become wealthy, and have need of nothing'—and do not know that you are wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked (Jesus, in Rev 3:16-17).

"Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, 'God, I thank You that I am not like other men—extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess.' And the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me a sinner!' I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted." (Jesus, in Luke 18:10-14)

For in his own eyes he flatters himself too much to detect or hate his sin (Ps. 36:2 NIV)

In other words, we can have tons of "high self-esteem," and have ourselves completely, tragically fooled.

"But wait!" you may protest. "You can't mean to tell me that God would ever want us to feel ashamed!"

Don't take my word for it. What does God say?

Were they ashamed when they had committed abomination? No! They were not at all ashamed; nor did they know how to blush. Therefore they shall fall among those who fall; at the time I punish them, they shall be cast down," says the LORD. (Jer 6:15)

"But what about in the Psalms?" you point out. "David says, 'Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed.'" (Ps. 25:3) True, he says similar things throughout the Psalms. But read the whole verse here.

Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed; Let those be ashamed who deal treacherously without cause. (Psa 25:3)

David never says that people who are embracing sin should go shame-free. He says quite the opposite. There is such a thing as godly shame, and as the verse in Jeremiah tells us above, it's a dreadful thing to fail to be ashamed when we ought to be.

If we pursue self-esteem, we run the very grave risk of glossing over our own sin, failing to see where we need to repent, and being numbered among the proud whom God resists (James 4:6).

So then, what? Should I continue to feel the kind of shame that plagues me when I see my own shortcomings? Absolutely not! But what am I to do about it, if not pursuing self-esteem?

I think this is a good place to stop. Take some time to think and pray about what has been said already. I promise, I'll come back with the two steps that I believe I need to follow to finally be free of inappropriate shame in a way that will delight my Heavenly Father. But if ending this way leaves you feeling uncomfortable or upset, I beg of you to search the Scriptures for what they actually say about this subject, ignoring the smooth talk of modern-day flatterers in whitewashed tombstone pulpits. It is far better to feel godly shame and experience the true repentance that follows, than to attempt to face judgment day with swaggering bravado that will melt before Him like a moth in a volcano.

For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted (2Co 7:10)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

(Photo from Stock.xchng by Vivre)