Announcing My New (Other) Blog

Photo by Webdeblee

As much as I love writing theological treatises, I have other writing passions as well.  I LOVE to write fiction...in fact, much of how I "work through" issues involves watching characters in my mind living things out and talking to each other.

I know, it's weird.  But that's life as a writer.  As Popeye said, "I yam what I yam."

Most of my fiction never leaves my head.  But a lot of it would like to.  And maybe it even should!

I also occasionally get struck with bouts of poetry, and this new blog will give me an outlet for that as well.

Also, I have lots of older works of short fiction and poetry sitting around.  Some of my works have been featured in this blog, and much has been featured in writing contests at FaithWriters.  (I'm no longer a paying, contest-entering member, but it's a great outlet for Christian writers, so check it out!)  In order to kick-start my new blog, I'm re-posting my favorites over there at an anticipated rate of one per day.

Sooooo, if you like short fiction and/or poetry, please come check out "Weightiness and Whimsy."  I chose the title because (as you've probably guessed), the content will run the emotional gamut.  Currently (as of the morning of 3/4/13), it contains two works of short fiction, one that I would call "heartfelt," and another that is pure whimsy.  They're both older works, written in 2008 for writing contests.  I hope you enjoy them.

If you're hoping for newer content, never fear!  I have a work of very heartfelt short fiction that has been percolating in my brain for days.  In fact, it's the reason I decided that I really needed an outlet for my stories.  Maybe if they get out, they'll quit bouncing around in my head distracting me!

Or maybe not.

And don't worry...I'm still going to finish the series I've started here.  And I still expect that most of my writing will be for this blog, not the new one.

Anyway, please come check out the new blog, and let me know what you think!

The First Time I Hoped For A Good News Day

Photo by emsago

The First Time I Hoped For 
A Good News Day

Or:  

“How to Have a ‘Good News Day’ Part 2”

A few mornings ago I spent some time talking to one son about some of the mistakes I had made in parenting, and some of the bad habits that he and I had fallen into in our relationship.  I sprinkled some Gospel truth into the discussion, and the whole interchange was friendly and pleasant.  The morning routine ended up going fairly well.

As usual, after the kids left for school and I had breakfast, I read my morning devotionals and had some prayer time.  During that time, I was strongly moved with gratitude for all of God’s grace over the years in my life.  God’s sweetness felt truly amazing to me, and our time together was precious.

And, as usual, I hoped it would continue to be a “good day.”  Then that hope began to rise up as a sense of tension, of worry, of even a subtle demand toward God.  “I hope nothing bad happens” morphed rapidly into “Nothing bad had better happen!”

That was when God, for the first time, introduced me to my need to hope, plan, and pray for a Gospel-centered day in advance, instead of only applying the Gospel “as needed” if things got ugly.  This is what He impressed on my heart:

You want your son to understand and believe the Gospel, right?  
Do you think I want anything less for him?
Do you trust me that I know how to bring him to that point?
Do you remember that I had to bring you to a place of brokenness before you would repent and believe in me?
Are you going to demand that I not do the same for him?

That’s when I realized that I needed to hope, plan, and pray, NOT for a “good day,” but  for a Good News Day.  I needed to prepare my heart to live the truths of the Gospel no matter whether my circumstances turned out to be pleasant or horrible.  I needed to trust God that He was going to bring circumstances tailor-made for the kind of Gospel example (and perhaps even Gospel instruction) that my son would need that day.  
And it was not my place to tell God how to do His job.  It was my place to trust and obey.

So that’s what I prayed for.  Lord, help me to live the truth of the Gospel and to be prepared to speak that truth in love in whatever circumstances You wisely bring my way.  I am willing to be a tool in Your hands for the sake of my son, rather than trying to usurp Your throne.  Of course, I would LOVE it if You arranged pleasant circumstances, and I ask that You would do so if that would be best for my son.  But I yield to Your better judgment.   As Jesus prayed in Gethsemane, “Nevertheless, not My will, but Thine be done.”

It was a whole different mindset.  And I had a lingering suspicion that He was not planning a pleasant set of circumstances for us.  But it was okay.  It was okay.

It wasn’t long before the phone calls started coming.  The school is a very good one, and the staff are wonderful, but by the second phone call it was clear that I had to come pick my son up.  He was suspended for the rest of the day.  Deservedly so.

Of course, that was not happy news.  Of course it was scary to go pick him up in the dean’s office, and even hear the dean somberly tell my son that, if he continued his current trajectory, they might have to think about expulsion.

But the Gospel tells me that we’re ALL hopeless without the Savior.  So I’m in no position to think myself superior, or to get up on my high horse.  In other words, the Gospel requires (and enables) me to be humble.

And the Gospel tells me that God so loved us that He gave His only begotten Son, Jesus, to bridge the gap between man and God.  Jesus came to live a perfect life on our behalf, so that those who are united to Him by faith could have His righteousness credited to our account.  In other words, the Gospel gives me REAL hope to offer to someone in an increasingly hopeless-looking situation.

And the Gospel tells me that Jesus died to absorb the wrath of God on behalf of those who are united to Him by faith.  (It also tells me that His wrath remains stored up for those who will not believe.)  In other words, the Gospel gives me the proper perspective on sin (it really IS heinous), and does not belittle my concerns about the things my son is doing wrong.  But for those who come to Christ in faith, all of that is dealt with.  Real hope for real sinners.  The kind of hope that a sinner like me can gladly share with another.

And, the Gospel tells me that Jesus rose from the dead in order that all who are united to Him by faith might also have new life.  It also tells me that He sends His Holy Spirit as a seal on the hearts of those who put their faith in Christ.  This Spirit changes our spiritual DNA, if you will.  He begins to change us from the inside out.  The Spirit within us is our ONLY hope for real change.  My anger can’t change anyone.  That fact used to only increase my anger, fanning it to a helpless rage.  But with the real hope of the Spirit to offer, it’s safe to lay the rage aside.

So, when I talked to my son that day, I had Gospel truth with me.  Truth that enabled me to be brutally honest about the awfulness, of sin, but without arrogance or rage because I’m a fellow sinner.  It enabled me to offer real hope, to point my son to all that Christ has done for us on the cross, and to what He offers us now as mediator.  It gave me the priceless promise of the indwelling Spirit to share.  All things I’d talked about before, but that needed to be said again.  After all, I need to be reminded of these truths multiple times a day as well.

My son responded in ways that seemed hopeful, though I can’t know his heart, of course.  But the Gospel allowed me to come away from a painful experience with no regrets.  I know that I gave my son the best that I had to give.

I knew I wanted more Good News days.  After all, I’ve got plenty of regrets about my selfish “good days.”  That kind of living was yielding me a bitter harvest.  I wanted to put it behind me.

But the Enemy of Our Souls doesn’t let go.  Ever.  Until, of course, we go to Glory.  So he attacked viciously after this hopeful experience.  But that’s something for another entry.

How to Have a "Good News Day" - Part 1

Photo by Marcelo Terraza

How to Have a “Good News” Day

Part 1

Laying the Foundation

It’s a bad habit of mine to expend a lot of time and make a lot of compromises in order to get what I call a “good day.”  You know the kind of day I’m talking about … all pleasantness, few responsibilities (at least, few that I can’t ignore), and plenty of enjoyable things to do.  Plus, of course, having everyone around me cooperate with my selfish plans.

Oops.

As you can imagine, my “good day” plans get smashed rather often.  And I tend to not be pleased about it.

What’s the solution?  Should I struggle to get more control over those around me, so I can force my plans on them?  But what about people and circumstances I can’t control?

Maybe I should just give up in cynical despair.  If I can’t give myself a good day, and God doesn’t seem to be bending over backwards to make life a bed of roses for me, what’s there to hope for?

Ghastly, isn’t it?  Yet I’d have to say that most of my adult life has swung between those two options.  Godless, self-centered, unloving, miserable options.  Sure, the ugliness has slowly gotten less pronounced as God has worked on my heart these past few years, but a lot of this nonsense has remained in my heart.

But, just within the past few days, I’ve been getting acquainted with an exciting new option.

What if I trade in my “plans for a good day,” not taking cynicism in exchange, but rather choosing instead to make plans for a “Good News day?”

What is a Good News Day?

If you’ve spent much time around Christianity, you probably know that the word “Gospel” is taken from the Greek for “Good News.”  And the more I learn about the Gospel and how it relates not just to salvation but to everyday life, the more I realize that I need to aim for Good News Days every day.

Good days, by my selfish definition, are often impossible.  Please bear with me as I explain...not for the sake of “complaining about my problems,” but just so that you, dear reader, won’t think I’m talking to you from my castle in the sky.  

My day-to-day life is complicated by such family funzies as Asperger’s Syndrome, full-blown autism, bipolar disorder, the teenage hormones of three boys, and all the ordinary challenges of family life.  One of my teens has been in a really bad state of rebellion lately, and has been getting in lots of trouble at school.  My husband’s job requires lots of odd hours on phone conferences with people halfway around the world, and frequent trips that last for weeks at a time.

To top it off, I deal with chronic back pain and occasionally recurring cardiac pain (despite being on daily cardiac meds since a heart attack in 2004).  Years and years of severe internal problems finally culminated in major surgery in November of 2011, which (thank the Lord) cleared up a lot of problems, but some pain still recurs.

So no, no ivory tower here.   And few entirely “good” days.

But every day could have been a Good News day, if I had only known.  Lately I’ve been having them.  And I know I always can have them.  Not because I’ve become an overnight expert in some divine secret, but because God gives a continuing supply of the good news freely to anyone who understands and believes in its simplicity.

A Good News Day is a day when the Gospel shapes my beliefs, my hopes, my plans, my actions, my interactions, and how I deal with sins and failures (both my own sins and those of others that impact me).

I’m finding that Good News days can be full of bad things, painful things, disappointing things...even failure.  And yet, at the end when I look back at them, they’ve lost their sting.  What once would have beaten me down no longer has that kind of power.  (Which, now that I think about it, is an answer to my regular prayer that I wrote about here, based on 2 Cor. 4:8-11.  Thank You, Lord!)

Have I become a stronger person?  No, not really.  I’ve just found the inexhaustible power of the Good News.

How have I found it?  Well, for years I’ve been steeping myself in excellent books like Future Grace, Holiness By Grace, Transforming Grace, Because He Loves Me, Give Them Grace, and many more.  (Please get these books and savor them if you can!)  The glorious truths in these books have gone a long way towards helping me change my hindsight.  They have helped to heal many of my hurts, by teaching me to look back on them through the lens of Gospel truth.  This is true for long-ago hurts and hurts from just a moment ago.

But that is only half of what they were designed to teach me.  And because I only got that half, the retrospective half, I still lacked a lot of Gospel power.

I still have tended to PLAN and HOPE for “good days” (as selfishly defined), while only applying the Gospel to comfort myself if the “good day” didn’t happen.  

Without meaning to, I had lumped Gospel truth into the category of “consolation prize.”  I’d hoped to get the million bucks, and I’d tried my best, but I’d lost.  So I would gratefully (and a little ruefully) accept the parting gifts instead.  They were better than nothing.

Oh, how tragic it is when we fail to see the lavish gifts we’ve been given as the treasures they really are!

It’s time to start hoping and planning for Good News Days.  Such days are not second best, they are what it’s all about.  They are the days of gold, silver and precious stones that will survive the test of God’s purifying fire (1 Co. 3:11-15).

Let me say it again:

A Good News Day is a day when the Gospel shapes my beliefs, my hopes, my plans, my actions, my interactions, and how I deal with sins and failures (both my own sins and those of others that impact me).

In future entries we’ll look at how we can plan and hope for such days, how we can live them, and what they might look like.  

Selfish Religion Strikes Again

Photo by SheCat

It was one of those mornings when I just didn't feel "connected" to God.  Didn't feel like I had my act together, spiritually.

Uh oh.  Warning bells should be sounding already.

"Didn't have my act together spiritually?"  Who am I kidding?  Are there ever mornings when I DO have my act together spiritually?

Well, ok, maybe it was just a poor choice of words.

Or maybe it really should have clued me in.

The usual morning battle began with its typical frustrations, and I was struggling with my usual surges of frustrated anger.  And so the self-talk began.

"I've been reading all these wonderful grace-based parenting books, but this morning I just can't seem to access all the wonderful, inspired feelings those books gave me.  I don't want to browbeat this child.  I don't want to drive him further away from God.  I don't like how angry I feel.  I don't like the kind of parent I'm being..."

I...me..my...

We often think of Pharisaism as the desire to be one's own savior via one's own righteousness, and that's true.  But Pharisees take it even further.

Pharisees (like me much of the time) don't just want to be our own saviors.  We want to be our own creators.  We like a certain religious "look," and we will orchestrate our behavior to get the "look" that pleases us.

"I don't like the kind of parent I'm being.  I need to be different."

We are determined to create ourselves in the image of what we like about religion.  If we like lots of legalism, we'll make ourselves strict legalists.  If we've decided we like grace, then we'll make ourselves gracious.

Except, of course, that grace is something we can't create.  We can only receive it and pass it along.  And we cannot receive it if we're too busy trying to create it ourselves.

So there I stood, frustrated and angry, looking at my child with my physical eyes, but looking at me-me-me with the eyes of my heart.  My feelings were quickly teetering towards the old familiar desperation, because of yet one more self-deception that we Pharisees labor under.  We stagger, crushed under the lie that we are to be our children's saviors.  We have to create ourselves into the religious image we believe is best, so that we can save our children.

No wonder we get so ugly and hateful and mean, when we're carrying such a heavy burden that we were never designed to carry, one we know we can't bear.  One that is crushing the very breath out of us.

There's only one way out of this kind of tailspin.

It's called Love.

And love, my friends, does not focus on self.  Not even with the best of intentions.

Pharisaism says, "What kind of parent do I need to be?"  It feels either arrogance, anger, or a terrified squeezing in the chest.  Because it's all about me.

Love says, "What kind of love and grace does this child need?  Father, what would you like to give him?  Savior, show Yourself to him."  Love may ask the child, "What do you need?  How can I help you?  How can I serve you?"  (Notice the "I" isn't gone...it's just not central.  It's not creator, savior, or controller.)

Love lives in a wide place, where the air flows freely and breathing is easier.  It throws off the claustrophobic self-absorption of Pharisaism, and the weight that we cannot bear.

Pharisaism seeks iron-clad control.  Love seeks to give itself away and, in the process, it hopes to influence in healthy ways.

The difference is profound.

Oh, love still hurts. Sometimes it hurts a lot. But it hurts in the right ways, ways that our Lord has promised to comfort. And because love knows that God stands supreme, that Christ has poured out His love in our hearts (both for our sake and for giving away to others), love can relax.  Love knows that it acts as a conduit rather than as a self-sufficient creator.

And love has the power to transform us in ways that are far deeper and more real than any of our attempts at self-creation.  Don't you think I was a different mother this morning, the moment I stopped critiquing my performance and started simply loving my child?  Of course I was...and yet that's not the best thing that happened this morning.

The best thing that happened was that my child and I experienced some of God's love and grace, in ways that honored the Lord.  My joy is not primarily that I became something I can feel good about, but that the Lord and my "neighbor" (in this case, my child) were loved as they should have been.  True, the "benefits to me" and the "benefits to others" may be two sides of the same coin, but if I focus on the "me" side, the love quickly disappears, and ugly things arise in short order.

It all boils down to this...are we trying to love primarily for our own sakes, or for others' sakes?  If it's primarily for our own sakes, it isn't really love at all, and those on the receiving end of our hypocrisy will see that fact with painful clarity.

A. W. Tozer said it well:

"While we are looking at God 

we do not see ourselves - 

blessed riddance!  

The man who has struggled to purify himself 

and has had nothing but repeated failures 

will experience real relief 

when he stops tinkering with his soul 

and looks away to the perfect One.  

While he looks at Christ, 

the very thing he has so long been trying to do 

will be be getting done within him."

Which is, in fact, what 2 Co. 3:18 is trying to teach us.  (If you're reading the blog in a feed reader, you might want to click through to the actual blog page, where Scripture references appear as live links so you can read them.)

Remember that Jesus said that all the law and the prophets can be summed up in the command to love the Lord our God with all our heart, and soul, and mind, and strength, and to love our neighbor as ourselves (see Matt 22:35-40).  And that kind of love is not something we can work up in our own strength, but as we walk with the Lord, we can rest assured that He will develop that love within us, so we need not be afraid to hope for it (see Rom 5:5).

Love the Lord, abide in His love, and love your neighbor.  As you do these things, the Lord will make you what He wants you to be.

How to Handle a Good Morning

Photo by Nelso47

Um...It was a good morning.

No, seriously, I mean it!  Things went smoothly.  No significant fights over getting ready, no hatred spewed, no ugliness at all.

If you don't know me and my life, that might not sound like such a big deal.  But if you know me, you know what a rare jewel a good school morning is.

I used to handle such things horribly, and even now I usually don't handle those jewels as well as I should, but I want today to be different.  I hope you'll come along as I work my way through this, and maybe you'll be blessed, too.

What's that I said?  I don't usually handle God's good gifts well?  Why would that be?

It's simple, really.  In the past (and to a lesser extent, even now), I have tended to receive good mornings (or any rare blessing) the way a pre-linguistic Helen Keller received things from her caregivers.

Snatch.  Gnaw.  Consume.  Figure out how to make sure you get more.  Try to get control over those who give it.  Hold it tightly.  Give no thought to humble gratitude...but be prepared to dish out severe punishment if more good stuff isn't immediately forthcoming.  This good thing is a little taste of life, and you need it...you need control over it...desperately.

Ironically, the snatching, grasping, desperately clawing recipient gets no real, lasting joy from the gift.  The most she can settle for is an uneasy sense of triumph with no assurance of future blessings at all.

Does any of this sound familiar?  I admit, my imagery was rather stark. No one who has seen "The Miracle Worker" can ever forget the intense, knock-down, drag-out fight scene between Helen and Anne Sullivan.  We don't want to see ourselves in Helen, and most likely we've never behaved exactly as she did (at least not since our tantruming toddler days). But look at my description again.  At its core, at least to some degree, does the above describe how you receive God's blessings?  No?  Walk a little further with me, and you may begin to recognize it a little better.  Even if, like me, the worst of these attitudes is behind you, you might still see hints of them trying to rise up again.  So please indulge the following question:

When you've received a rare blessing... something you desperately desire but have to do without most of the time... do you pray afterwards?  If so, how do you pray afterwards?

Perhaps you don't pray.  Why would that be?

•  Perhaps it's because you already got what you wanted, so what is there to pray about, right?  (Translation:  Prayer isn't about a loving relationship with God, it's about controlling God, getting what you want out of Him.  Therefore it's pointless to pray if you've got "it" already.  To go back to our example above, Helen has been handed enough cake to satisfy her sweet tooth, and once she's gobbled it, she's ready to go play.  The giver is forgotten until something else is needed.)  I've been guilty of this, for sure. 
• Or perhaps it's because you see God as an unpredictably explosive despot, who is best handled by tiptoeing around Him.  Like an abused child, you just want to make sure you keep under His radar, so that maybe He won't hurt you.  I used to see God that way.  It's far from the truth about Him, and I pray that He will lovingly remove such misconceptions from your heart if they're there.

Perhaps you pray, but with a heart that's in the wrong place.

• Perhaps you pray as if you're God's teacher, trying to use Behavior Modification techniques on Him.  "See now, God, how this went?  You finally got it right.  This is how it's supposed to go, and I expect it from now on."  You dish out what you call "praise" not from a humble heart of gratitude, but as an attempt to manipulate and control God.  You see Him as a praise-hungry, grasping soul Himself.  He needs strokes from you, and you need (whatever it is) from Him.  So you work out a trade.  There's nothing even approximating love or respect here.  I know, because I've been there.
• Perhaps you pray fearfully, as one who thinks the gift could be snatched away at any time.  Every "good morning" seems to you like a chance that things could go well from now on, and in fact, they should go well from now on...but God might just play the Grinch and take it all away.  I know this reality far too well.  Just over a week ago, I actually corresponded with a teacher who was gushing over how well things had gone in first period...and almost immediately after responding to that email, I got a call from another teacher telling me that my son had done the worst of all the awful things he's ever done in school.  Disciplinary actions would have to be stronger.  Details would have to go in his permanent record.  I would have to meet with deans and school psychologists yet again.  Medication consults would have to be scheduled.  The timing...so soon after a hopeful email that made my heart glad...it seemed cruel and capricious indeed.  If it had happened a few years ago, that's exactly how I would have seen it.  And I still find little hints of that attitude popping up now and then.

Can you see how such attitudes would completely ruin whatever we received?

So how should you and I handle God's good gifts?

• Recognize the Giver, and receive His gifts accordingly.
• He is our loving, perfect Heavenly Father who does all things well.  Everything He sends to His children is love.  Love Him in return!
• He is the Heavenly Gardener who sends both sunshine and rain, at the right times and the right quantities (even though they might not seem right to me at the time).  Trust Him.
• He's the Great Physician.  He sees how sin has broken us, and He knows how to set the bones so they'll grow straight and strong again.  If the setting process is painful, it's still done in love.  Submit to His care.

• Recognize the gift, and receive it accordingly.
• It is given as a secondary gift.  The primary gift that God gives is Himself.  He is the greatest good.  And He is always there for His children, even when His gifts are not obviously given. So receive each gift as a secondary thing.  Treasure it...but treasure Him more.
• It is given for a particular time.  It will probably not last forever, but it will last as long as God deems best. Do not fear that it will be taken away prematurely.  It may well be taken away before you'd like it to be, but His timing is perfect.  So enjoy the gift thoroughly, even as you hold it loosely.  
• It is an act of His love, not a test of His love.  The proof of His love came at Calvary, when He gave infinitely above and beyond all reasonable doubt of His love.  He gave His life to purchase eternity for you!  (Imagine if your own children doubted your love between every meal, viewed each mealtime as a test of your love, received each meal as proof.  Of course you would be terribly grieved by that kind of distrust.  And if your love should be obvious to your children, shouldn't God's love be obvious to His children? You can trust the love of the one who died for you (See Rom 8:32).

• Recognize the recipients of the gift.  Yes, I said recipients - plural.  Let's go back to my pleasant morning as an example.  It was a gift to me, of course, but it was also a gift to the child in question, his father, his siblings, his teachers, his classmates, and anyone else who could benefit from the good start we all enjoyed.  In fact, the recipients include YOU, the reader of this blog.  This entry wouldn't have happened today without the good morning that made me think these things through.  Only God is wise enough to weave together all of the threads of our lives in ways that make everything work out for the good of everyone who loves Him.  When you realize how many people are involved, it's easier to accept the fact that "The Good" is far more complex than you or I can comprehend.  Expand your view beyond yourself, and then trust God to make it all work out the way it should.

"Thank You, Lord, for this morning.  I know it came from Your loving hand, but I also know that the hard mornings also come from Your loving hand.  I trust You with all of it.  Thank You for the good that You plan to bring out of it all, not just for me, but for all those who are touched by our family, directly or indirectly.  I don't know if the phone is about to ring with bad news, or if things will seemingly "go wrong" in some other way...or if this wonderful peacefulness will last for a good long while.  Whatever you place in my hands, I willingly receive.  And whatever you take from my hands, I willingly relinquish.  In the Name of the One who died for me, Amen!"

Praying "For Others"...Selfishly?

Photo by adzika

Have you ever caught yourself praying "for others"...selfishly?

Don't get me wrong...there's nothing wrong with anticipating blessing, with desiring God's gifts for oneself.  God has lavishly promised blessings throughout Scripture, and it's good to desire them.  We are creatures of desire, and if we don't desire good, we will desire evil.

Few things could be more harmful to our prayer lives than navel-gazing...searching our prayers for any speck of self-interest and then feeling defeated when we find it there.  Such introspection is, by definition, totally self-centered.  The Enemy of our Souls LOVES to get us into traps like that.

We are commanded to rejoice in God's kindness towards us, and it would be wrong to refuse His kindness, or to receive it with a guilty spirit that is concerned only with our own perceived piety.  We don't want to go there.

But putting that aside, let me ask again...have you ever caught yourself praying for others selfishly?

I caught myself doing that the other morning.  I was wrestling my way through the usual, painfully difficult morning routine with a particular child of mine, and I realized that I was praying "for him" with only one goal in mind.

I want to be done with frustrating mornings like this!

Again...that's not a bad desire.  But it was the only desire behind my prayer that morning.  The child for whom I was supposedly praying was not even in my thoughts except as the source of my frustration.

Ouch.

Am I the only one who is this self-centered?

I'm tempted to say, "I hope not," but then again, the world would be a much better place if everyone else in it loved their neighbors better than I do.

How can I...how can we pray for others unselfishly?

The key is not to try to eliminate all self-interest.  Christian prayer is not like Buddhist meditation.  It is not an attempt to empty oneself of Self.  It is not an endless cycle of subtraction.

Christian prayer prioritizes.  Instead of trying to annihilate Self, it seeks to dethrone Self and bring it to its knees.  It seeks first the Kingdom, understanding full well that other desires (both worthy and unworthy) will be there as well.  Unworthy desires must be repented of, but worthy ones need no repentance.  They need only to be put in their proper places.

But how?

If you've been following this blog over the past several months, you've seen how the Lord has been shaping my prayer life to align it with His priorities, especially those priorities revealed in the "Lord's Prayer" and the Beatitudes.  I continue to be amazed at the power that comes with praying this way...power to submit myself to God and His desires, rather than trying to manipulate Him into giving me my selfish desires.

And yet, as I caught myself doing the other morning, it's possible to pray even these prayers with a selfish spirit.

"Lord, may this child do Your Will the way it's done in Heaven...cheerfully, lovingly, trustingly... because He's driving me nuts!!!"

Of course God wants us to be honest with Him in prayer, so that wasn't a bad way to start.  But if the Holy Spirit hadn't grabbed me and convicted me, it would have been the whole prayer, not just the beginning of it.

Betsy, do you care about this boy, too?

Oh Lord, forgive me.  Yes, of course, but not nearly enough, at least not when I'm frustrated.

And so I prayed the Lord's priorities again, but this time I added, "for (this child's) sake and Your Glory."  I'm not talking about rote words, of course, but once again, aligning my priorities with God's and submitting to Him.  I had already prayed for my own sake.  It was time to move on to bigger things.

Such softening came to my soul!  Frustration gave way to tenderness, and selfishness yielded to love.

Ok, it didn't last long, because I'm such a selfish person.  But I knew I'd hit on something vital, something I would have to return to again and again.

Pray God's priorities not only for your own sake, but also for the sake of others apart from you, and for the glory of God.  Do it deliberately.

It's so basic that it hardly seems like I should have to say it.  And yet I know that I need to be reminded of it, often.  Perhaps you do, too.  So here is a helpful outline.


When I pray for others whose lives rub up against mine, I need to pray about several spheres:

• The sphere of my relationship with God.  I cannot relate to others well if I'm in a state of rebellion myself.
• The sphere of my relationship with that other person
• How I relate to him in terms of God's priorities, for his sake, for my sake, for God's glory.
• How he relates to me (something I cannot control, but can pray for and attempt to influence.  The same is true for all of the prayer points that I pray for others.)
• The sphere of that person's relationship to others apart from myself...for his sake, other people's sakes, and for God's glory.
• The sphere of that person's relationship to God...for his sake and God's glory.

Do you see how love is encouraged when I deliberately choose to pray for others' sakes in our relationship, and even in the spheres of their lives that don't rub up against mine at all?  I can begin to see others as the whole people that they are, not just as the sum total of their impact on my own life.

Of course, in the midst of a rushed and frustrating morning routine, there's rarely time for a thorough, deliberate prayer time.  That's why I find it so vital to pray thoroughly for others all throughout the day, so that when crisis situations arrive, my attitudes and priorities have already been shaped in good ways.  

If my heart has often knelt before God, then in the moment of crisis, my heart can kneel even when I don't have time for thorough prayer.  My "knee jerk" can change.  So can yours, by the grace of God.

And our worlds will be better for it.

Influence vs. Control

Photo by Stickysen

Yesterday we talked about how not to give up on impossible people.  We discussed our need for meekness, and for a desire to exert influence rather than control over others.  (Of course I'm thinking of the way we interact with older children and with adults.  Naturally, with younger children especially, there are times when control is necessary. Just be sure it's loving, godly control, rather than the ungodly control detailed below.)

What's the difference between ‘influence’ and ‘ungodly control’, and why is one better than the other?  

I’m going to do some comparing and contrasting below, but I want to start with a disclaimer and some encouragement.

First, the disclaimer.  I’m a novice at this.  I’ve been a wanna-be controller my whole life, and the result has been devastating to my life and my witness.  But I’ve caught glimpses of beautiful truths that, since I’ve begun to apply them, are bringing more peace and joy and actual, healthy influence to my life.  So I write these thoughts as a convinced person thirsty for more, not as one who has “arrived.”

Second, the encouragement.  If the standards of “influencer” presented here seem discouragingly impossible, or if you’ve dabbled in this approach and not seen instant results, please read all the way through to the bottom (or skip ahead if you must) for a balancing perspective.

***

Godly Influence - Can only be wielded by one who is, herself, submissive to God.  (1 Co. 11:1)

Ungodly Control - Can be wielded by anyone with the ability to cause pain or pleasure, regardless of her relationship to God.

***

Godly Influence – As the godly influencer humbly submits to God in how she interacts with others, she also cares enough about them to give them wise and loving guidance from her position of peaceful surrender.

Ungodly Control - The controller tries to force others to do her will, and tries to usurp God's role in their lives.

Here's something to think about...can I lead anyone to trust in God and submit to Him if my number one priority is that they submit to ME?  (Yes, when we are in a legitimate place of authority, we should expect those under us to obey.  But what is our top priority when it comes to their obedience?  Who do we see as their ultimate authority?)

***

Godly influence – Is accepted and received by others when the influencer has earned their respect, and when they sense that she honors them, as God commanded (1 Pet 2:17).

Ungodly Control – Is resented by others who sense that the controller does NOT honor them, but rather see them as pawns on her chessboard.

***

Godly influence – Comes from someone who is genuinely concerned for the welfare of others, more than of self (see Php 2:4).  Such a person is not detached, and will truly suffer if the other sins.  Even so, she is more concerned with the other’s well-being than with her own.

Ungodly Control – Comes from someone who may care about others, but is more concerned with self.  Her attitude is, “I have to make you do such-and-such, because I’m so afraid of what will happen to me if things go wrong with you.  If you do what I don’t want you to do, I won’t be able to stand it.  I control you to protect myself.”

***

Godly influence – Comes from a parent who draws her life, peace, hope and joy from God alone, and rests securely in Him.  Such peace is itself hugely influential. Her children will know that their sins grieve her because she loves them.  But they will also see that she has Solid Rock under her feet, and they will want that for themselves.

Ungodly control – Comes from a fearful, distrusting parent who does not draw what she needs from God’s well, but rather tries to get her needs met by others.  She becomes like a leech, trying to suck life out of those around her, and terrified if she can’t make them meet her needs.  Leeching and loving are incompatible opposites, and the recipients of leeching know that they are not loved.  
    Also, the controller’s fearfulness loudly broadcasts to others that, no matter how much the controller claims to advocate trust in God, she herself has no such trust.  Again, such a parent will say, by word or action, “It will kill me if you do such-and-such!”  Her lack of faith in God to sustain her through a child’s sin makes her profession of faith a sham, and gives children no reason to trust in the God that their parent distrusts.

***

Godly influence – Seeks to lead people to the cross where they can be freed from guilt, and teaches them how to live by grace.

Ungodly Control – Uses guilt and fear to dominate others, and pushes them away from the liberating truths of the gospel.  This happens even (perhaps especially) if the oppressor verbally preaches the gospel.

***

Godly influence – Comes from love, and builds love.  The influencer is free to love, because her needs are met by God more than by other people.  When she has a rebellious child, she does not have to withdraw or kick the child out of her life in order to restore peace.  She can love because she draws her peace from God.  The godly influencer is able to be truly kind, to truly love, because she does so without ulterior motives of gaining control.

Ungodly control – Comes from self-centeredness, and inevitably becomes oppressive or even abusive.  Because this controller is not godly, even her kind acts are suspect.  Since they are truly efforts to gain control through the back door, the kindnesses will cease if they don’t work.   

***

Godly influence – Is mostly wielded unconsciously.  The moments of direct guidance may be powerful, but the life of the influencer has even more power, and helps make her guidance believable.  It is fondly remembered by the person being influenced, even after the influencer is gone.  She leads by following Christ, and hopes sincerely that others will come along, encouraging them to do so whenever appropriate.  Whenever someone else follows, it’s because they want what she has, not because she tries to drag them against their will.

Ungodly control – Is mostly deliberate and forceful.  It ceases as soon as the controller isn’t around, and certainly ends with her death.  Even if the controller succeeds in forcing others to follow her, she leads them to the wrong place.  Ironically, she also has an unconscious influence over others, but it is a repellant one.

***

Godly influence – Does not get into power struggles.  She is controlled by God alone, though she is certainly affected by those around her.  Her responses to others are dictated by God, not by those around her.  Because she is God-controlled, she is also self-controlled, and is able to respond to others in truly good and helpful ways.  She does her best to teach and lead others, but trusts God to wrestle with each sinner’s heart, including her own.  She never dreams of seeing herself as anyone’s savior.

Ungodly Control – Not only gets into power struggles, but often loses them.  Why?  Because a child learns early on that his actions dictate the parent’s responses.  The child is actually the one in power in the relationship.  Because the parent MUST maintain control, she MUST fight with the child, and is helpless to avoid any escalation the child brings about.  The parent sees herself as savior, and therefore becomes very dangerous.  To what lengths will a parent not go to save a child’s soul?  (For a tragic example of this danger, see my post about the murder of Lydia Schatz perpetrated by her controlling “Christian” parents.)

***

Godly influence – is forgiving.  This person knows that other people are primarily accountable to God, not to her.  Therefore, she recognizes the biblical truth that all sin is first and foremost against God, and if God forgives, we can and must forgive also.

Ungodly control – Holds grudges.  The controller sees herself as the primary victim when anyone else sins, and so she does not forgive.  If she offers forgiveness, it is only as a power play designed to bring others back to their proper position as she sees it...on their knees before her!

***

Godly influence – Is patient.  The influencer hopes to see others changed for the better, and is delighted if she gets to see it happen.  But she trusts God’s timing and keeps on walking in obedience to Him and love for others, even if she doesn’t immediately (or ever) see the results she was hoping for.  Her desire is to lead, but her goal is to follow.  And because of this, her goal is reachable every day, no matter how others respond. Therefore, she can live at peace and with a sense of fulfillment, even if her desires are not yet met.  Also, she knows that genuine change takes time, but it’s more permanent and real than anything she could have forced in the moment.  

Ungodly control – Needs to see results NOW!  Such a parent will use whatever means necessary to get those results (or what looks good outwardly) right away, regardless of the harm done in the process.  Though God is patient with the parent, the parent is not patient with the child, and so is a hypocrite very reminiscent of the wicked servant in Matt 18:23-34.

***

Godly influence – A person who exudes the kind of godly influence I’ve described will naturally see personal holiness as a great source of joy, because it allows communion with God, who is our joy.  Because this person loves God, she grows in obedience to Him throughout her life.  Her close walk with God and enjoyment of Him is her definition of success.  He is her goal, her dream, her life’s pleasure.

Ungodly control – Will “do things God’s way” as long as it “works” (defined as, “getting me the instant results I covet”).  If God’s ways don’t get the immediate, desired results, this person will abandon His ways and go off on her own, and will genuinely feel that she had no choice.  Or, she will refuse to even try do things God’s way in the first place, because she is convinced (probably rightly) that it won’t enhance her control.  God is not her goal, her dream, her life’s pleasure.  Walking with Him is not success.  Controlling others is everything.  So even when she thinks she’s walking with God because she follows certain rules, she is not really in relationship with Him. To the extent that she finds her life in other people instead of in God, to that extent she is not a person of faith.

***

Do you find this list discouraging?  Please don’t.  

Christ wants you to have a joyful walk of faith with Him.  He wants it so much that He lived a perfect life, died a perfect, sacrificial death, and resurrected to give new life to all who put their trust in Him.  

Confess to Him that you’ve been needing other mere mortals to be your life, but that now you will put your trust in Him as the only true source of life.  Ask Him to forgive you and make you new, to put His Holy Spirit inside of you to start changing you from the inside out.  (Or, if you know that the Holy Spirit already resides in you, ask Him to begin to work on this area in your life.)  

Seek Him first, submit to Him, obey Him no matter what results you see around you.  Walk in love as He loves, as His Spirit makes you able to love unselfishly.

You will find that your godly influence grows as long as you seek Him first, seek loving influence second, and seek ungodly control never.

How Not To Give Up On Impossible People

Photo by fireyes

"I give up!  I can't do ANYTHING with him!"


"Years and years and years of this, and nothing ever changes!  He NEVER listens, NEVER learns, and NEVER will!"

"How am I supposed to fix this?"

Co-workers, spouses, neighbors, church members, classmates... impossible people are everywhere.  But in some cases, much more than others, we feel the burden almost unbearably.

Why?

Because these "impossible people" happen to be our God-given responsibility, that's why.  We've been entrusted with them, and we've been commanded to "raise them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Eph 6:4).

And, to make matters even more complicated, we LOVE the darn critters.

I don't know if you know this about me or not, but I have an angry mouth.  I'm a verbal person, so my mouth is one of the first places where my sin nature broadcasts itself in all its ugliness.  No, I don't use curse words, but I can manage to spoil even the presentation of biblical truth by the anger that I corrupt it with.

And, at some level, I still firmly believe that the right angry words could change "that person" if only I could find the right words and say them angrily enough.  I know it's not true (see Jas 1:20), but I still believe it in my gut, in the part of me that I react from when I'm in knee-jerk mode.

(There's plenty of jerk in my knee jerk, believe me.)

The other thing you might not know about me is that I'm a born quitter.  Actually, I prefer avoidance, but when I find myself in a situation I can't handle or control, and my anger doesn't make it work, I have one strategy I can be counted on to adopt.

I quit.

I give up.

I withdraw.

So, basically, here's how I see my options in life (when I'm walking "in the flesh")

Painful situation

• Can I avoid it?
• Yes?  Then go knit something, play something, or watch something.
• No?  Then get control of it.
• Can I control it while being calm, cool, and collected?
• Yes, people are cooperating, so stick with it.
• No, people are not cooperating, so get angry and ugly.
• Are anger and ugliness working?
• Yes (if you consider sullen obedience "working.").  Congratulate yourself on having "won."  (Best to ignore the emotional and spiritual harm you've just done.)
• No?  Then get even angrier and uglier.
• Are the increased anger and ugliness working?
• Yes?   Congratulate yourself on having "won."  (Best to ignore the emotional and spiritual harm you've just done.)
• No?  Then quit.  Be sure they know you've given up on them, and go find something you enjoy doing.

Yep, that's me in a nutshell (which is doubtless where I belong).

Do you see how hopeless that model is?  Do you see how it offers absolutely no way to "win" that doesn't involve setting up your children...the offspring of your body and your heart... as "the enemy," and then crushing the opposition?

Do you see that such a "win" is really a dreadful loss for everyone, and especially for our Heavenly Father whose reputation we've just sullied?

But what else can we do with situations we can't control?

And it's here that Jesus meets us with words that make no sense to our fleshly selves.

"Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." (Matt 5:5)

What does it mean to be meek?

I'm sure I can't comprehend the full depth of it, but here's how I currently understand it.  To be "meek" is to be eager to operate from a place of total inadequacy and dependence on the Lord.  A meek person is not obsessively driven toward mastery of life in her own strength, and is not envious of those who seem to have it.  A meek person does not seek to take by force what can only be inherited from the Father.  A meek person does not seek to control people, to control situations, or to control God.  A meek person seeks to control only her/himself, placing self in humble submission to the Father.

A meek person is fine with not being in control of others or of situations!  Do you hear what I'm saying?

But at the same time, a meek person doesn't stop loving or caring.  Meekness isn't anywhere close to my "withdrawal, giving up" strategy.

Meekness values godly influence over others more than control of others.  A meek person knows, to the depths of her heart, that when SHE has snatched control of a situation, she has probably lost her godly influence, and she would have been better off if things had worked in reverse.  Everyone else would have been better off, too.

A meek person isn't caught in the hopeless flow-chart I pictured above.  She has other options.  Options based on faith, hope, and love.

As I'm writing this last paragraph, I have just received another "bad news" phone call.

I hurt.  I really, really hurt.  I can't control this, and I mustn't throw in the towel.

I can't control this, but God is in control.  In fact, God insists on occupying His throne alone.  He never commanded me to sit there.  What He has commanded me to do is this:  To do justly, to love mercy, to walk humbly with Him.  He has commanded me to speak the truth in love, and to hallow His name in all that I do.  He has commanded me to be an imitator of Him, and to walk in love as Christ loved me and gave Himself up for me.

If I focus on controlling MYSELF, and keeping myself in humble submission to Christ, then I will have had a godly influence even though I have no control of others.  And someday, that influence can be used by the Holy Spirit to reach someone for Christ, where my "control" would only have pushed that person further away.

Love is patient.
Love bears up under it all, believes in all that God can do in and through self and others, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends...